s-t-u-c-K

sometimes when i feel stuck, i feel reeeeeeeally fucking stuck.

for example, i come home to take classes, save money & get my schooL on high speed.
instead, i crash my car.
this means i had to drop 2 classes bcuz they were at the canyon country campus, and now i only have 3 god damn classes because everything is SO fuLL.


i cant STAND living at home.
and now my school is just bullshiT.
i dont have a car, therefore my job is bullshiT too now.



im right back where i started: fucked.


the only thing keeping me alive & semi-happy with life i guess is wesley.. aka MY ONLY FRiEND, like literally... my ONLY friend. the only person i see besides my parents, who i wish i did not see.



i thought moving home would help out but it hasn't really at all. at the rate im moving, i will graduate in another 3 years and have to stay here for at least one of those miserable years.

i feel stuck. lost. and definitely empty. i feel like a small ball of nothing. i've never felt so isolated or alone in my life. this is not my home. my mom wont even let me put on my own sheets i have to use the guest room sheets & i cant put up pictures or anything.... this is not the family i want. this is not how i want school to go.



i wish life would fast forward a few years. my mom always says "the time passes anyway"... what the fuck? is that really how YOU live your life?! no wonder youre a miserable old troll with nothing to show. i just hope i am not doomed for the same destiny, although i feel as though i am not because at the simple thought of this my tears intensified.




i am going to san francisco on thursday. well, thursday i am spending the day/night in berkely with everyone, then ill bart it across the bridge until monday morning. i hope this trip makes me more happy than sad. i hope i see all my friends. and i hope that we have an awful good time. more than anything i need some friends. i need my friends actually. MINE.



valentines day yesterday was fun. wes and i woke up, finished the 1 season of heroes, went to the LA z00, ate yum yum dinner & just kicked it. hes snowboarding right now. alwaaaaays snowboarding. literally every day. my parents said i can move in with his family. i wonder if that will really happen.



i havent had an appt with my shrink since before my accident. i know im due for a session, im going insane. i know that i need to grow up and be an adult, i just dont know how. i have no support anywhere near me in any sense. i dont even have anything to look forward to, no goals to work towards... nothing i have NO TH iN G. and it makes me feel pathetic. i guess my goal will be to get my student loan and move far away from everything again... because the past three years were the only years i felt truly loved by people.