alright soo a few updated notes on my last 2 sessions with dilyse:
previous week
List of what i want & how to achieve these things:
1. to be happy- signing up for a dance class down in LA, art class, sewing 101, jewlery making class.
2. to feel stable- when something happens, ask yourself these questions:
-what am i feeling?
-what am i thinking about
-what happened?
- what am i telling myself?
- how am i making myself blank right now?
*** i used these steps in my head to calm myself down when my mom told me that bullshit the other weekend & totally worked, still sad of course because it was massively hurtful, but i chose to "close my door" on her words.
3. to be independent- accept parents for their issues & learn to take care of yourself emotionally
4. motivation- CHOICE. this is allllll self. what you do is what you focus on. goals; what do i want? prioritize your daily activities.
5. to feel complete/whole- (goes along with #2) "parent my inner child"; ex) if someone tells you that you are ugly, ask yourself, "do you feel ugly?" & basic parenting questions to ask yourself. why do i feel empty? is there truly a void that needs to be filled? I AM IMPORTANT AND CAN NEVER BE REPLACED :)
6. Not get in mopey/depressed modes- CHOICE. create a list of things that you love to do, choose one & do it. you won't want to but you must because when you become sad & depressed your brain chemically floods making it harder to slow down your thought process & go through ?s and not open your "door".
* there are 7 more things on my list but we didn't get to them in that session, i will complete the list when i complete it with dislyse :)
this week
we talked about the incident with my mom. basically she was extremely proud of me for going over the steps we talked about the previous week (#2's questions) in my head and talking myself down from an upsetting situation. we role played as my parents & i and she taught me how to communicate better with them and stay in control of the conversation at all times in a positive way. how to stay respectful, but direct. my mom is who she is, and i need to keep my safe gate up because through all this im trying to be the best person i can be. mature, successful, happy, and comfortable in my own self. i liked the role playing because dilyse really nailed my mom hahah and it was good cause in actual situations i sometimes freeze up and back down from saying stuff so BOOYAH!
anyways enough with psycology & all that jazz!!!!! yesterday wesley & i went down to chinatown for the new years parade & festival OMG IT WAS SOOOOOO FUCKINGGGG HOTTTTT and we had to pay TWENTY BUCKS for parking cause the ENTIRE CITY was PACKED! but it was really fun we wanted to buy illegal fireworks but it was too packed & did not feel like shopping around. we did see a bunch of tiiiiiny turtles & a weird dog thing... i dont even know what the hell that was. it took us so long to find somewhere to eat too... EVERY place had a B.. which is filthy to all hell anyways & in chinatown i just would never. ever. but we had fun at the parade wes' favorite part was the LAPD motorcycle show down the streets which i must admit was pretty badass too... they were racing all up and down doing formations and all sorts of close call crazy shit it was fun.
a few days before, i picked up jasa from santa barb & we ate at bjs (favorite santa fe salad) & had a sleepover :) i missed my jacat im glad were down here together so im not completely dying without all my best friends!!! who are literally ALL in SF besides wes jasa & katie!!!!!!! but yea so after our sleepynight we got some smoothies & headed downtown LA and walked around olivera street before jasa jumped on the train. always good to see my jasa and hear her stories. i dont think i laugh as hard as i ever do when i hear things like "what is this? is it dead or alive!?" hahahahahahhahaha oh my god. kills me.
hmmm what else... school starts in a week! work has been going well, i have the hang of it now. i kinda mess up on like minor things once in awhile but hey gimme a break ive been here for a month. WOW THOUGH i buy a redbull EVERYDAY before work... that puts a fat hole in my wallet! i, nor anyone around me, have not bought a red bull in TWO YEARS. oy yoiiiii. speaking of RB - hope my DG's are doing well i love and miss you all dearly!! :) anyways... on my plate this semester is:
- full schedule of school - 19 units
- work 3 days a week
- sewing 101 & jewlery making classes at local fabric store so i can start my shit NOW
- taking a ballet class down at debbie renyolds, 1 hip hop & 1 jazz @ edge in the valley
- self-defense private lessons with wes' sister shelby & cousin cassidy
TODAY! is superbowl sunday but i must go with wes to his monthly tattoo appt!! pictures later... its looking SO good. its gorgeous. its hot. i love it. hahaha. yesterday he said something about not fuckin with him cause he has a back tat... and i said well i do tooO!!!!! tHUG liFE . ahahhaah.
so all is well for now. like i said ive accepted my family for its issues, they aren't who i wanted them to be but THAT IS OKAY because IM who I want to be. i have a full plate, a full family of friends who don't fail me, and i am on top. loving life again. tough love, but still love <3 style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> ATTENTION SAN FRANCISCO: I WILL ARRIVE THURSDAY NIGHT FEBRUARY 19 -22. PUT THIS ON YOUR WORK CALENDARS & LETS RAGEEEEEEEE :)
CIAO BELLA! XX
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